K Letters

What to wear

2012-01-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

Many people truly have their own style and wear what they love and what they feel comfortable in and I also determine many things I wear by these desires as well. I am, however, beginning to learn that while many people work hard to have their own mind in their style and do not allow anything or anyone to influence how they dress, the cold hard truth is that I am just not one of those people. I am beginning to see and embrace the reality that I am incredibly influenced in how I am dressing by who I am surrounded by.

I recently moved to Kansas City and the community I am surrounded by the most fits into the following look on most days... and they score very high on this scale: (I totally have the tattoo, 2 actually)

That's right... I am surrounded by v-necks, flannel shirts and skinny jeans. I had a handful of very hipster dressing influences in my life when I lived in North West Arkansas as well but I was not surrounded by nearly as many as I am currently in my life. While thinking about composing this post I began thinking about what my current favorite outfit is and I suddenly noticed how hipster this outfit truly is. I began to look and I saw how my hangers and dresser drawers are slowly filling with vintage looking shirts, v-necks and that my jeans are equally balanced between regular boot cut jeans and skinny jeans.

My look...

My favorite outfit as of this moment in time cost me a total of 74.00. I work fairly hard at looking trendy and doing that in a very thrifty way. I rarely pay more than 10.00 for a top and try to pay no more than 30.00 for jeans and often through sales and deals I actually typically end up paying no more than 20.00 for jeans. I often do buy in branded stores on sale and when I am able to find good items, I buy at thrift stores. I also tend to inherit clothes from others often. There is one thing, however, that I do not mind paying a decent amount for...Shoes... it's just the truth, shoes are always worth it. This outfit is no different in my common habits of shopping.

The cardigan: Old Navy- 8.00 (clearance)

The top : Old Navy- 6.00 (clearance)

The Tank: OP Brand Wal-Mart- 3.00 (after summer clearance)

Skinny Jeans: Old navy - 15.00 (after Christmas jean sale)

Charcoal Toms Shoes: Masons- 40.00

Paint On Toms: 2.00

Earrings: Home made clay tea pot earrings made by one of my roommates

Now, I am a girl, in light of this fact the likelihood of my favorite outfit changing next week is very high but for now this is what I am loving. I know that I am looking more and more like my surroundings but I am incredibly okay with beginning to shift my look into something new, it is always an adventure in the land of fashion and style and I truly love the journey.

Wired...

2011-07-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

I began writing this post about 2 months ago and didn't know where I would be taking it but the Lord has drawn me back to this to complete it.

Often the Lord speaks to me in interesting and random moments within my days and weeks and yesterday was one of these moments. The Lord spoke to me yesterday just about how we are created so much in His imagine and we naturally have His heart woven into us.

I met a woman yesterday and ended up spending about an hour with her. She was slightly developmentally delayed and also has done a number of drugs in life which had evidently taken a toll on her as well. She was sharing her current situation with me and while there was little I could do for her to make anything better I had the ability to listen and somewhat bring comfort in that she isn't alone in this world. As she shared her situation I began to hear the voice of the Lord speaking.

She recently moved here from another state and did so for a guy. This particular guy had asked her to leave his apartment, so she did, and this is where I met her. She began sharing with me how much she liked this guy and how much she really thought that he liked her as well. Her concern was that she was just very hopeful that he would still like her and want to be her friend after everything that had just happened in the last twenty-four hours.

She shared these fears and concerns several times but there was one concern that she continued to repeat the entire time I was with her. She kept stating how she knew that this guy had a hard time trusting others and that she really just wanted to show him that people are good, and that not everyone would take advantage of him. She kept saying that she just wanted to be a good friend and show him that there are good people out there.The biggest cry of her heart was not that she would still have a boyfriend at the end of the day but that he would see her heart of care and love for him above any other motive.

Is this not the heart of our father? That at the end of the day that He wouldn't simply have children who fulfill the roles he asks of us just for the sake of completing a task, but rather, that at the end of it all that we know in the depths of our hearts that He has a beautiful and passionate love and care for each of us.

The amazing thing in all of this to me was that in all of this time with this woman this is what continued to stand out to me is that her statement was the heart of the Father and it was also her heart in dealing with those in her life. She didn't seem to know much about Jesus the little we talked about Him but regardless she certainly had his heart in this situation. She wanted to show this guy something different, a kind of love he had never experienced, a kind of love that not only stuck with him but that could possibly change him in some way. That was the very way in which Jesus loved and desires still.

The thing that I saw out of all of this was that whether we come to know Jesus or the Father in any way we are created in His image and in so we are wired with a heart like His. We are always wired to love and respond the way He does, we always have a choice, but the deep beat of our hearts is to love in Him image, in a powerful, unique and life changing manner.

Sideswiped by a book? Really?

2011-01-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

I was recently given a book by a friend, Searching For God Knows What, by Donald Miller. I have been hearing great things about this book for a number of years and yet never really gave into reading it for whatever reasons I came up with each time it was presented. I have given into reading this book and Jesus has been using it as a grand opportunity to beautifully ruin my life anew.

I have been overwhelming sideswiped by this book! I have been pleasantly, and within the same breath, shockingly surprised each time I turn a page. I thought it would just be another book that I would sit down and read in a few days or at most in a weeks time and get some decent things from it and simply move on with life as normal. I was very wrong in that assumption. I am certain that there are those in the world who have a negative opinion of this particular book but for my current season the Lord is choosing to take it and have a full out counseling session each time I pick it up.

It has been so much that I have had to choose what to allow in to affect my mind, heart and spirit and what will have to wait until the next time I choose to read it. The Lord has made me stop, and set the book down for several hours or even days at a time in order that I take time to process the words that were on the last number of pages I read. I have had to look at how it all practically applies, or at moments, how it doesn't apply, but should, to me and my ways of living each day with Him and particularly how it applies to the current season of my life.

I wrote a post several weeks ago about grief and how I am in this season of having to observe the grief I have recently been through and this book seems to be a side walk that leads through this park of grief and out onto the street of some kind of new wholeness.  I still dislike dealing with grief just as much as before, that hasn't changed in the slightest, but I am dealing with it regardless of my feelings towards the emotion and process.

This has been a very internal, between me and Jesus, kind of process, to the point that it is possible that few in my life would know I was walking through this place if not for what I have shared here and chosen to share in conversation. I have had to ask myself questions that have absolutely felt miserable to ask and at most moments worse to answer.

   Questions such as: Do I really accept love from the Lord?
   (I know that He loves me, that isn't the question but rather what is my response to His love for me.)

   Then, if I don't accept His love, why is that?
   Which, answering that question alone has taken several weeks of focusing my spiritual and emotional ability to seek after the Lord to discover answers that brought about healing.

That particular set of questions came from one, count it, ONE sentence in this book.... Which, goodness gracious, if one line kicked my butt like that, should I have expected anything less from the rest of the book, absolutely not, but I am continuing to be taken back by it.

Through the last month of my life the Lord has been using a number of things to bring about healing in this specific area of grief that I, in many ways, didn't even know I needed. He has been using several specific people, new situations, new joys, His word, worship, and this book to change so much about my heart and thoughts. I feel as if this season is similar to the formative years of social development that kids go through only this seems to be some form of identity and relational development between me and the Lord. There have been these snippets of time that have been very scary and exciting and others, due to me being completely shut off and complacent about the entire affair, have felt meaningless and hopeless. I have gone in and out of these moments of feeling strangely, yet wonderfully new and completely reconstructed to feeling permanently dented and settled that this is just how my heart may function from here on out. The beauty in all of this however, is that the Lord has been continuing to show himself strong and rather amazing each and every step of the way.

He is healing me in so many fresh ways, some I am having to work on intentionally such as the things He is pulling out with this book and then also it is just happening with His touch and the hand of time. I have woken up everyday since the start of this brokenness and felt a little less grief and sadness than the day before, and at this point it is just a faint color in my heart's residence rather than the mural that covers it's walls.

So, I shall continue on with this life ruining book and continue to see what each new page may bring and perhaps begin to see an entirely new color appear on the walls around me.

Building Fences

2010-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

   Within the last twenty-four hours I have had two separate conversations about saying no and setting boundaries within ones life and circumstances. I began thinking that the concept of setting boundaries is a lot like building fences.
   When we build or put up a fence we choose where to build it, how far it will stretch, the height of the fence and the particular design. Setting boundaries in ones life is very similar. We each decide when, where and how to set up boundaries and often those lines look very different for each person and situation in which we are involved. I have been learning more and more over the last few years that this fence building concept is not as easy for some as it is for others.

   I am a fence builder to my core. I love the word no. I am so comfortable with saying no and building fences in my life that I often build fences everywhere. The Lord has been teaching me in the last few seasons of my life that not all the fences I build are not necessary or beneficial. The Lord and I have begun working on pulling some of those fences down and trashing them piece by piece. Overall in my life however, I don't struggle with saying no to most things. The Lord has given me a burden to evaluate and try to gain more understanding into the concept of setting boundaries both in not building enough and building too many in order to love and understand those in my life on a better level. I have begun to notice that this small two letter word can cause many complications in someone's life.  I have seen several negative habits of setting up boundaries in an unhealthy manner which can hurt the boundary setter and those involved in their life.

   There are those who can't set boundaries. They easily become overwhelmed, run dry and burned out by the constant pressure of going and doing due to saying yes to far more than their plate can actually hold. The motivator in this situation is typically a desire to please those in their life. The fear in this process is often that by not complying to what is being asked of them by another person they may be a disappointment or no longer wanted or loved.

   Then there are those who set up too many boundaries. Over building is often motivated out of fear. A fear of getting hurt, fear of failing, fear of the unknown, and many other fears that may bring about the reaction of building too many boundaries around themselves. The justification is that boundaries are healthy and they are simply trying to be careful, which, is a good thought on most days but when motivated by this underline fear may lead to living introverted and emotionally secluded on an unhealthy level. This reaction is typically due to past circumstances and situations that left them very hurt in some capacity.

   These responses are both unhealthy and lead to a very imbalanced life. There are steps we each can take in order to make the process of building boundaries healthy and functional. Learning to pay attention to how much one is able to actually hold on the plate that is their life is one of those steps and asking the Lord how much can my plate handle is the main portion of that lesson.

   In one of my conversations the element of how much a friend of mine could hold on his plate came into play. This particular friend has been beautifully and powerfully gifted by the Lord with a plate that can hold a lot. He has chosen to learned how to use this gift well. He is excellent at doing a lot of big things, doing them all well and holding them all together at once in a functional manner. Him having a plate that holds a lot however, sets him up to challenge himself to push those boundaries further than before, which, often means he ends up saying yes to way too many things way too quickly. He is in the process of learning how far he can actually go before things aren't functional and are no longer beneficial for him or his life.  We each have to learn, often the hard way, how much our plate can actually hold. Once we know the answer to that portion of the boundary puzzle we can begin to see where the fences need to be placed in our responsibilities, jobs, and relationships. This knowledge and ability to see clearly where to set those boundaries can then create a much more enjoyable and healthy atmosphere in all areas of our life.

   It has been brought to my attention that I am a "no"teacher. Others begin to learn to say no more often once they become a part of my life. In light of this, I have to make sure that I am not encouraging my friends to swing to the other extreme of saying no far too often. It 's not the most fun influence to have at times because it means that I have to be aware of how I am using boundaries. I have begun to realize that others pay attention to my, at times, abundance of fences, just as much as I pay attention to their lack. This ability to influence comes with the heavy responsibility and conviction from the Lord that I can teach this fence building process in two ways. One, in a beneficial manner that helps a person grow and shapes them into something better than they were before the journey began, or two, in a rather damaging manner that only hinders a person in a new and different way.

     My heart has become to set boundaries not simply to have them but to set them with healthy Christ centered purpose.  The purpose of a boundary should always be to bring healing, balance and joy to ones time, energy, responsibilities and relationships nothing more and nothing less. I desire to walk with the awareness that setting boundaries is not all about the boundaries themselves but more so about the outcome in which they are to bring about in ones life and relationships.

Returning...

2010-11-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

So I haven't sat with this screen in front of me in some time and I have recently been confronted by the Lord asking me why, and causing me to ask myself why. The Lord has confronted me telling me and reminding me how much this writing process is something he put in me and that it is good and healthy for me and my spirit.

Why have I shut this portion of my life off?

The only answer I could come up with so far is...

Grief.

I lost some things months ago.

A loss of hope. Which has caused me to not want to engage in anything that might bring about passion because to have passion in something you have hope that it is good.
A loss of dreams. The dream element, simply having dreams in life, which requires hope, was already something that was a struggle before in my life but it has become an even bigger fight in recent months to allow myself to dream about anything.
A loss of a number of things that the Lord has been pulling back layer by layer over the last months to heal and restore anew.

One of my favorite books in the world is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, and while it is very sad, very broken in setting, and over all some what depressing, it is such a beautiful truthful picture of grief and loss at it's core. C.S. Lewis writes through the grief of losing his precious bride to cancer. It is raw and real, and that is why I love it so much. I greatly appreciate transparency of where one truly sits in the moments of life.

For some grief is not an easy process but they can walk through it naturally without fighting the process at all. They recognize it is a natural part of emotion and a healthy process.

For me I recognize the healthiness of it but it doesn't always propel me to rush into it.

For me, grief has to easily be one of the most annoying emotions that I have ever encountered.
1.) You have to become aware that there is something that may have happened or that you may have lost that needs your grief attention.
2.) You have to realize that there are emotions connected to that loss, that you had hope in something that is now not there, and that perhaps you might be sad about it.
3.) You have to choose to feel those emotions.
4.) You have to choose to walk through those emotions to healing.
5.) Then it is equally healthy to have a time of rejoicing in your healing.
6.) From this healing you now have to choose the next time you encounter something to dream about and have hope in not to be feared out of having hope.
6) Lastly you have to hope again, trust again, all of those again actions.

SO MANY STEPS!!!! All to feel this one main emotion called grief!

Grief takes energy, time, and most of all the allowance of our raw emotions to be truly felt in the situation, which usually, are emotions related to hurt of some kind. We often need to grieve much more than we actually allow ourselves to do on a regular basis. I am learning so much about grief. Although I fight against it so often, which i am learning seems to make it more difficult, I am seeing the beauty of this process called grieving.

Grief is a rather amazing healing process that one can allow to either push them into a deeper knowledge of ones need for the Lord and of His beautiful grace and love, or push one to run far from him due to anger of His allowance of such loss to occur. I have found myself doing both.

I want to begin to embrace this healing balm of a process, that often includes tears, allowing others into some broken places, and most of all allowing the Lord into my heart to hold me and to take those burdens.

So this, this writing process, I see now shall be a part of my journey of allowing grief to push me towards the Lord, to allow others in, and to simply heal on an even deeper level than I have been.

So this is my version of Grief Observed.

He shall have his life

2010-08-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

He shall have his life as a prize of war, and live. Jeremiah 38:2b

We shall have our life as a prize of war.....

   That feels like a rather daunting statement, that out of some intense war the only prize we receive is our life. And for some it is even more daunting to realize that perhaps we might just be in that very war that is being addressed in this very passage. It is daunting that the war may be real.

I am learning more and more each day that this truly is a very real statement.... That we are in a very real war with a very real enemy whose job description is to kill, steal and destroy. Then the joyful side and the most amazing part is the fact that the battle has been won, and in light of this win, we get to keep our lives and should live each day and this very day truly with that perspective.

I am learning more and more each day from the Lord and the Holy Spirit how to live in full acknowledgment of this battle, and engage in this battle, and yet in the same moment live in the fullness He has told us that we are able too.

It is challenging.
The tendency is to live as if the battle doesn't exist, which often, in our thought process, is the only way we will be empowered and able to live in the fullness He has given to us. The other option is that we live overly aware and engaged in the battle trying to win it all on our own, which, can become consuming.
Neither choice is the highest or best for our hearts, lives, spiritual growth and everyday Christ life. Either way we miss out on something very important, either standing defenseless as we are being shot at with schemes and arrows each day and then walk unaware that we are deeply wounded, or we become obsessed with the war field and all it's happenings and miss out on being consumed by the only thing meant to consume us... the Holy Spirit.

So how do we do this?
I have no idea.....surprised?.... Well, I certainly have been.
What i am learning is that I have absolutely no idea how to do any of this. I am beginning to see in such a real way that it is, as churchie as this may sound, seeking Jesus and really looking to the Holy Spirit that has been imparted to us as our guide each day and moment. It is saying, "Jesus, and Holy Spirit, I know this battle is real, help me know what to focus on today and help me know what steps to take today and where to take authority in the name of Jesus today, and help me continue to walk on."

My life has become so enriched lately as i have been trying to walk in this balance. It has grown me in leaning on the Lord and I feel it has truly helped me grow in hearing the voice of the Lord in some new ways.

It truly is a fine balance of both acknowledgement of the battle and equally that we have our life as a prize of that war.

I am still learning for sure, and I challenge you to begin to ask the Lord to teach you about this balance as well, ask the Lord to allow you to see some of the battle for what it is, and then ask Him to help remind you has precious the prize of your life is, it will greatly deepen your life in such a beautiful way.

Transparency = scared

2010-02-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Transparency: something transparent, esp. a picture, design, or the like on glass or some translucent substance, made visible by light shining through from behind. (sound familiar, as Christ is to shine through us)

Why can this particular word trigger feelings and responses such as, emotionally shutting off, a deep desire to run for the hills, a sense of asking someone to please not come any closer and so many other feelings and responses within our person?

Why are so we frightened by transparency? Well, most would answer I am opening my heart, I am being vulnerable and showing the world my junk, it breaks my pride, I have been hurt by doing this once before and I don’t desire that again and the truth is it shows the depravity of the person I would rather no one to see, including myself at times.

I think that the church is truly coming to a place where transparency is something that we are beginning to see such a deep need for, which is amazing and very empowering to move us towards a deep place of freedom. It is becoming essentially easier to tell of the things in which we have allowed our hearts, minds, and persons to dabble in. But have we drawn a line in the sand marking how far that transparency goes?

I feel that in many ways we have. I think we as the church and its people are beginning to see the need to embrace the level of priority that we should set on being transparent about past struggles, which is beautiful and needed, but all the while missing a vital portion of transparency. I feel the missing portion is the element of what is happening now.

I think that we are in a place to embrace the past lives we have all held and say, “you are new and changed and we want to rejoice with you!” But that often overshadows what is happening now. If we are not about who we were but are supposed to now be about who we currently are then we need to embrace the transparency of the here and now as well.

I have seen in my own seasons and in friends around me that so often it takes large amounts of courage to open up and talk about what spiritual battles they are facing in the today, and so often are met with well meaning people referring them to a new book, a new bible study group, or to a great counselor rather than embracing that person and creating a safe place for them to just be where there are.

I believe that we are missing that we are meant to be a counselor as much as the counselor we are referring others too. We have the Holy Spirit, the guide, the ultimate counselor residing within us, fueling our passions, our desires, our need to serve Him mightily, and our joy. Yet, when someone sits in front of us over coffee and shares tears and fears we are quick to forget, either out of fear or a number of others factors, that we have that counselor. I think often we feel that spirit rise up and choose to push it very far down. It comes out of fear of the things mentioned before, our depravity and all that seeping out on the table. We don’t want to relate when someone is talking about what is happening now because it may show our now. It is so easy to say,” yes I am with you, I understand walking out of that old life 100 percent”, because this puts us in a place where all that we have to relate to is the old life, it enables us to play it cool as if we can't relate to the current hurting that we don't want anyone to know about because it may mean we are not perfect.

But what if we were to say, “you know I feel that same way often and it hurts and it stinks, I am sorry, why don’t we try to walk through this together now.” This would be such a different response in our culture and world. What could this kind of response bring about, truly?

I think that it would bring forth such a deep powerful element of people walking in freedom from the past and such a quicker reflex of walking in freedom in the current.

We need to not be afraid to say,” tell me what is happening now. Tell me what is aching in your heart now. Tell me what you are struggling through understanding from the Lord now.” So often the now’s also help heal and relieve the then’s. We often think it has to be the other way around, the then’s must be fully healed and after that the now’s can be dealt with, which can be true but we need to be open the reverse as believers, as ones with the Holy Spirit within us.

We need to truly trust Christ within us and within others around us. We need to check our responses when someone opens their heart with us in that place that is so often so freighting, transparency, and say let me be there. Even if we can’t fix things, because rarely can we, (which is what we have been led to believe that we must do for others, is fix them) but to simply hear and say, “no your are not crazy, terrible, hateful, damaged, or any other lies that satan my fill our thoughts with about ourselves.

We need to embrace the now as Christ did. Christ dealt with the now around him, not the what happened ten years ago, but the current sickness, the current states of hearts, He was in the now with those surrounding Him and following Him. In the idea and desire to be more as Christ was, let us embrace the element of being transparent with the now’s in our lives and the lives of those around us. Let us not let fear win.

Let us say Christ IS the victor, and I believe Him.

When I grow up I wanna!

2010-01-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

As kids we are so excited about the idea of “when I grow up”. As little ones we want to grow up so we can have a job that we want. The, “I wanna be a ballerina, firefighter, librarian, or teacher”. The world of adulthood holds every single dream that you can possibly imagine! This is for clear reasons as a child, being big is the equaling factor that will have the freedom and ability to make those dreams come true.

Then we hit an age of about 4^th to 6^th grade where we are so much a little kid still but so much not at the same time. We are excited about now being in the BIG KIDS CLUB but all the while still enjoy some of the pleasures of being a kid. We are not in such a rush anymore to get big but it is still and exciting idea that we know we are heading towards something that seems so immeasurable by definition.

Then come those years of Jr. High and High School, oh those years, (take a moment to remember those years… now sigh… and moving on.) This is where we find ourselves wanting, desiring, and fighting with deep conviction, and in moments, deep stupidity which we most defiantly see as incredible reasonable wisdom at the time, to be free, to be seen as how we see ourselves, to be treated how we feel… grown up. We want to have the sense of finally being given the rights that we feel we have so earned by waiting so long to be considered mature. This is where we begin making statements such as, “I can’t wait till I am out of here”, I can’t wait until I can make all my own choices”, and my favorite, “I am 16; I am an adult I can make my own decisions.” All we want is to move on out of this place that we see as a life so burdened with restriction. And yet, all the while, in the very same moment in time, we are so deeply wrapped up in the drama and moments of this current act of this stage play called high school. (Not to be confused with High School musical. But… now that I think about it, take away the dancing and music, and it wasn’t too different, and some days you would have thought the world around you just might break out in song and dance, but that feeling was always short lived due to the school bell that screamed reality.) We know all the info on the world around us; we have deep convictions about how Jenny from the block gave me that dirty look.

Then, sharply, we find that we are expected to make those grown up decisions that we have spent countless hours fighting with our parents to make. Then, within a very short dash of the eye the very things we thought would just hang the moon such as jobs, college, money, spouses and so on from there, aren’t exactly what our, “when I grow up” dreams painted for us. We find ourselves overwhelmed at times and at other moments wishing that we didn’t have to make all these choices because they are hard and heavy.

What if the picture we paint of being finally grown up isn’t exactly all the Lord had in mind for His grown up children?

I think that so often we hit a place where we suddenly feel that we must carry ourselves in a full “grown up manner” always.

We must have certain friends that act a certain way, certain things are acceptable and others are not, and the reality is that these are good things to have and to be aware of as faithful and responsible people. We begin to see this new grown up existence in a way that says this must be all of who I am now all the time. I am very guilty of this myself.

What if being “adult” becomes our identity? What happens then? And where is the line of being an adult and being faithful and responsible and adulthood becoming the identity we hold for ourselves and desire for others to label us with as well?

With this adult label we begin to carry ourselves in a different manner with the expectation for others to also carry themselves in the same manner, because now we are all grown up and we should act grown up together. Fun drastically looks different. We only have fun with friends in certain manners, atmospheres, and crowds. We only have conversations about certain things. We no longer express the convictions in our heart simply because we have them, we express them to prove something whether it be our knowledge, our point, or our experience. The adult label is a false identity that causes us to become what we are told we need to in order to be successful and to be seen as something of value as an adult. As children our worth and affirmation from others often comes from grades, sports performances, achievements or even maturity. As adults often we begin to allow our worth and affirmation to come in the job title we hold, how we are seen as leaders, those who know how to walk as adults with great grace, and simply that we are perceived as good functioning adults by others.

Now there is always a time and place for these things and they will naturally begin to happen and in so many ways are very necessary. The word says in 1 Corinthians 13 that we are to put away childish things. But, just what if we focus so much on being mature that we forget an identity that is very very important to our walks with the one we call Savior.

As we look however, there is also an identity that we are told by Jesus to have and to hold too.

Matthew 18 Jesus expresses that we are to become like the little children. We are called to have some kind of element within us that is child like. These two calls clash in such a great way. Being called to put away childish things and being like a child seems like oil and water, how could they possibly ever mix.

I don’t have a perfect solution for myself or anyone else, but perhaps, it is simply setting our identity is being Christ’s little ones, not as grownups who believe and serve Jesus and are marked as Christians. Being that we have a spirit within us that desires to jump out into joy often we find ourselves having moments of uncertainty in how to act. The truth we find is that so often joy overflowing is very undignified in appearance. When do we begin to let go of and begin rebuking the fear of being just that, undignified?

We must walk in wisdom and obedience to the Lord and the convictions in which He has placed on our hearts and in our lives, but we also must not walk in fear of stepping back and being like children in our faith, love, relationships, and even moments. This will look different for everyone but will light up our lives and spirits in ways that we can’t even imagine or understand. It will be an element that draws those who don’t know Him in. They will see a joy that truly overflows into actions and a freedom that doesn’t walk with an escort of shame or fear in not fitting the mold of adulthood that the world provides for us.

Children in so many ways are kind of nomadic in lifestyle and spirit. Truly in my life the people whom I have loved watching their lives move and shape are those who live life nomadic in a way, seeing life as a great adventure that is only going to lead to another adventure. They have been people who aren’t afraid to live in a way nomadic in some capacity. Now, not everyone is cut out for that full on nomadic life most certainly. And I am not talking about an actual physical nomadic life style, although for some is bliss, but more of one of the heart and daily life. We as believers have the spirit of the Living Jesus Christ within us. Jesus was nomadic in physical life style most certainly, but he also had a spirit that was faithful, responsible, at peace and nomadic. This was not His home, and in light of this, neither He nor His spirit settled in to be comfy. He was all those things that bring and commanded authority as a grown man and yet also could relate with precious children, young men and women in the streets. Now, in having His spirit in us we also in some way can walk out in that spirit as well, we simply have to ask the Lord to show us how to do it in the lives He has set for us. This will look different for each, but available for all in some way.

Let us take the name of “ADULT” off and grab with all our might the name of children who belong to Jesus Christ the creator of life, love, joy, fun, laughter, tears, excitement, peace, knowledge, wisdom and all other things that make us who we are as His.

Bursting Into life!!

2009-11-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

There is a line in a song by snow patrol that says, "Show me a garden that is bursting into life" and this line has always powerfully stood out to me.

My first thought was wow that is a beautiful picture, then my next thought, which was one of deep personal revelation was.... wow... that is what I am supposed to be right?

In Isaiah 58:10b- 11(ESV) Then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. it talks about this idea.... And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

The message says: Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build a new, rebuild the foundations from out of your past.

When Christ enters our lives we become something new and Christ enters us and that is true life. John 14:19b states it as simple as possible. Because I live, you also will live. We only live because he lives!

In light of this great and powerful news we should burst into new life. I should look like a garden that is bursting into life! Bright, fresh, new and eager to continue growing and to be fed the goodness of sunlight and water, which is the word and the communion with the spirit of our Living Jesus.

This statement gets me thinking every time I hear it... is this really what I look like every day? Unfortunately I am usually met with conviction and the recognition of a grieved spirit inside my heart, I repent and ever so quickly that same grieved spirit in me becomes so swift and shouts out the message of His grace and love. Then, what was a moment of conviction and grief becomes one of excited passion and determination to truly press into my savoir.

Often in moments like this the next question I ask is okay what can I do to get there... but the Lord has so graciously and preciously been showing and speaking to me that it isn’t how you get there but who you are going along with that makes the difference.

Getting there is simple. It is precious communion with the Holy Spirit and the Loving Jesus, walking in and through my day with Him, following Him, not simply remembering Him here and there or simply bringing Him along for the crucial moments of need. I typically have a list of to do's in my head after a moment of noticing that I haven’t remembered Him in my day, but the Lord doesn’t want me to have a list to come to Him, He simply wants me to come and be, to turn and say hello my dear friend. It is walking telling myself the deep truth that He is here and he is always even when I don’t just "feel" Him. I just have to be with Him. Nothing required, nothing needed, I need bring nothing more than my heart, my love and my longing for His presence. Much like a garden that is bursting into life, it didn't have a to do list in order to be bursting it simply is, and this garden gives glory to the one who is providing the growth it needs. I am to be with my Lover and be His crown of Glory by the Life I live, as simple as that.

He desires me and each one of His children to simply move to the rhythm of His grace in the day. The word says he came to give us life and to give it abundantly which means he doesn’t desire for us to live bound by all these do and don’ts and regulations of being with Him, he wants us to burst into life and do it with Him! So let’s walk in communion, talking to the Holy Spirit listening to Him and turning to Him and saying hello, dear friend and savior.

Super Hero

2009-10-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

So what makes someone a super hero? Is it a cape? x-ray vision? Super strength, or can it be the small things of each day?

Yesterday i was babysitting and there were several moments where suddenly I realized that perhaps, just perhaps, I might be one.

As I was sitting with one little boy yesterday and we were looking at a toy and suddenly he begins to slightly flip out. I investigated the situation trying to figure out what the mishap could possibly be and then I see it...

His little pants had a button on the leg and the button had gotten tangled in the fraying on the couch pillow. His little face was one that was crying for help and he desperately wanted to be free from this vicious pillow that was attacking him. I then began the, what seemed impossible task to him, freeing his little pant leg button from this enemy.

The string was twisted several time around the button and it was a bit of a tricky process, but at last, the task that for him seemed to take an eternity, which in reality was on a few mins, was over. He jumped up off the couch in victory looking at me with an excitement to surpass all excitement and ran in his restored freedom!

The release from the bondage of this enemy was such an exciting moment in this little 2 year old's life. The realization of being held captive by something and the desperate need for someone outside of himself to bring release and then the final joy from the result of freedom was such a sight to see from my view. Suddenly, little ole me was a superhero, he called for help and I was able to bring the freedom he was desiring with what seemed to him to be super power abilities.

This small moment in a day gave me a definition of a superhero; those who in the eyes of those they help do super feats of strength and who rescue the day with small moments of care and love.

So I now give you sherryk aka (insert super man's theme song) super sitter sherry!

the theif comes... But He came...

2009-09-20T12:29:00.001-07:00

The word then gives us a piece of Jesus' job description, “I have come that they may life, and life to the fullest."

The bible says that the enemy comes to kill, STEAL, and destroy. John 10.

This is his job description, truly this is what he sets out to do each and every day on this small kingdom of his that is called earth, but he has been overcome. I was have a discussion last night with a friend and her mother and we began talking about the phrase, "Comparison is the thief of joy" and it then got me to think what are other things that satan uses to rob us of so many things that the Lord intended for each of us to own as our own. This also brought me to think about what are things that the Lord gives us that battle some of these things. So here is a small list of things that this conversation made me think more about, please feel free to add things to this list, in both the things that satan uses to steal and

Comparison is the thief of joy
Joy is found by looking at the face of Jesus

Condemnation is the thief of worship
Worship brings light and life to our hearts and minds
Lies of the enemy rob us of purpose
The Truth is a weapon of all lies

Frustration is the thief of patience and mercy
The recognition of the mercy shown to us inspires nothing but mercy

Greed robs of the freedom to give
Giving brings the freedom from greed

Fear is the thief of accomplishment
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.2 Timothy 1:7

The spirit of loneliness is the thief of reason
Walking in the truth that we will never be forgotten or forsaken by him keeps us from believing we are lonely

These are only a few of the things that I thought of and they challenged me a lot in my thoughts and what i choose to believe each day about my Savior and myself.

Changes

2009-09-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

So I spent the day with a dear friend and we talked about changes.

Oh, changes they come and they go, and some are great and exciting and some are just down right crummy. We talked about the changes that happen in the different stages of life and how neither stage seems to make hard changes feel a lot better, whether single, married, with children, childless, having a job, being jobless or any other circumstances that you can define your current life by, makes hard changes feel any less hard.

What does change do for us? Was the question we then found ourselves asking each other. Why so many, why great one, and why hard ones, and what makes either bearable or able for us to cope in the midst of them. The only thing i felt that we came up with is two things that change happens because we are growing and the Lord is real, moving and powerful, and that there is also a real battle that is happening all around us everyday. The moving and changing of the Lord comes in both the "warm fuzzy feeling" and the " seriously" feeling and we cope through the Lord and knowing and trusting that, man... all said and done he is God and He is mighty. Then the idea that there is a very real battle happen was simply that not all bad changes happen because of this battle but when we begin to walk closer to the Lord it then is on with the enemy we face every day. Satan comes to disrupt and upset our lives so that we will think less of our God. This ridiculous enemy (he is ridiculous because he has already lost) will bring division, strife and confusion which then only makes a challenging change feel even more difficult. We then began to discuss, well okay how can we change where we allow change to be affected by the Lord's moving and not by this enemies attempts? And the answer we felt in many ways was simple.... Simply knowing that there is a battle, and that it is real.

There is the saying that knowing or admitting is half the battle and I feel that in our spiritual lives that is not less true. There is a real enemy, there is a real battle and when we choose to be in the army of the Lord we choose to say, "bring it on"! The other option is saying, " okay i will hang back here and you can tell me if it begins to come close". And the reality is that it is close every day. I spoke about this once in an earlier blog, but the battle is real and we need to see that and realize what are part we have to play in the scheme of things.

We have to stand and say and believe that our God is real, mighty, powerful, the God who parted the red sea of our lives and stand in the shadow of His wings with our armor on and sword drawn. ( This does not mean looking for everything spiritually bad and wrong all around us and blame it on satan it is simply being aware). Then we must acknowledge that we are in a battle, those who are standing in the middle of a battlefield and do not realize where they are standing and do not come prepared are seriously injured or die. We need to know where we are standing in the kingdom, we are a earth that is satan's kingdom but we belong to the kingdom of the God of heaven, but this is where the battle is happening, and we are here.

As we begin to continue in the days to come, we must see where we are on the mall map of the kingdoms we are in and part of, that our x mark that says, " you are here" is on the battlefield and see how to do let changes be in and through the Lord and see how to stand in Him and with our armor to keep satan out of affecting changes around us, and affecting how we see changes.

We must stand in the identity of a warrior that He has given us, but also stand knowing that our commander is our Father, protector, and refuge and as all of those roles, He has fought to the death and won to keep us. We must stand secure in that.

Voice

2009-09-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because theyknow his voice.
John 10:4

I spent the evening with some precious high school girls who I love and adore. The person who spoke tonight shared on the idea of hearing the voice of the Lord, it was a thought provoking and challenging teaching. He told stories of amazing workings of the Lord where even in doubt the voice of the Lord boomed through to people and they responded. He also shared stories of those who heard yet didn't respond. As he spoke you could hear and feel the excitement in the room of those who responded and amazing results was the ending. You could equally feel the hearts break and the disappointment in the stories where the response of individuals was not the same, it was sad to see what could have been. There was a discussion time that followed this and one of my girls made a statement about the manner in which she sometimes listens to the voice of the Lord, which then causes her response to be different than if she was hearing in a different light. The statement struck me.

She made the statement, " sometimes I respond to the voice of the Lord as if it is my parents speaking and not a friend".

I had never heard that thought before, the whole talk made me think about how I respond to the voice of the Lord but her statement made me think what are the tones in which i put to the Lords voice on a regular basis?

For her she often puts the tone of a parents voice to the voice of the Lord, which then brings her to feel the freedom to argue at times or even more so not really respond in a way of action to the things being spoken or asked. What she saw was, that if she puts the tone of a friend to the things the Lord speaks things might look differently.

If her parents say, " do this", she will feel as if she can brush it off and dilly dally about actually getting done whatever the request is. Which, this response in the Lord's kingdom often leaves us in the place where as, unlike cleaning our room, (the mess will be there tomorrow), opportunities that the Lord has for us may not be there in 5 mins. As she evaluated the way she hears the voice of the Lord she saw that if she listened with the tone of a friend it may look different in her response... If a friend says, " I dare you to...", not even, " will you", but, "I dare you", that she would more than likely jump up and respond with joy and excitement at the challenge.

It made me think, what are the tones I put to the Lord's voice?

I think that somedays it is whatever makes my comfort zone stay a comfy comfort zone. When I am uncomfortable with a request His tone often becomes one of a passive nonchalant voice; which states the request a manner like this, "if you want too I suppose it would be a good thing, but only if you want". This however puts no weight, no conviction and no urgency on me. It simply makes me feel better about not doing what is being asked of me, and I typically don't want to do it because it isn't a convenient time or it isn't a convenient feeling. Which then leaves me not receiving the blessing of responding to my loving and passionate maker whose desires adventure for me and for me to learn great and deep things of who He is through this action. This desire of a passive speaking Lord also leaves whoever else may be interwoven into the moment without the very thing the Lord asked of or challenged me to do. He will however use someone else to give them that, but is that what I want to say, " sure Lord use someone else, no big deal, I am chill not doing it". No flippin way! I always want to be able to say, " here I am Lord send me"... Right?... Isn't that what I say I want when there is no pressure on me?... I want to hear his voice in the manner he intends on these days which typically is a tone of compassion, Love and strategy for me and those mixed in.

Other days, when I feel the need to pull out my own measuring tape on what makes me," good enough", to receive the grace of the Lord, His tone is harsh, serious and at times demanding. This tone is only received by me with, unhealthy, satan created fear. With this tone there is no real desire to do good for His name sake, just desire to keep myself on His good side. There is also no room to learn with Him as I go, it is do or fall from His love. With this tone it is typically felt that I need to obey in order to earn my way back to where I think that I should be to have the Love of the Lord lavished upon me. This leaves me broken, and missing the compassion and concern the Lord has for me and others in that moment. It puts a unwanted mark on the canvas in which the Lord has worked hard to paint of how He desires me to see his face, and causes me to miss a great part of the artwork. He desires the art to expand and astound me each day and make what I see more real and beautiful. I however allow my view to be changed by allowing the sound of His voice to change.

There will always be times in which the Lord speaks to us differently and we truly need to learn the sounds of those, but that is the key isn't it... we learn the different true tones. There is true sounds of conviction, true tones of direction and true words in songs of Love and passion that the King of Kings has coming from His lips. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy and he plots that in how we hear his voice too. Satan has tones that he desires us to grab onto in this world and give to our maker,but these tones are tones of the world not of heaven. God has such beautiful and unique tones, once we begin to learn and deeply study His distinct sounds we can begin to know what is true and what is counterfeit, but just as with people we must listen to those sounds to know the difference.

I desire to begin to start hearing the true tone and voice of the Lord in situations. I desire to learn the different moods and seasons that He carries in His voice. I desire to know so deeply the true tone of my Savior that I know that I know who is who, and in that knowing that I would be able to rise with joy to the requests and challenges He speaks to me to do daily.

Lord May I hear your voice how you desire it to be heard each day not how I desire.

Lavished Teaching

2009-07-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us!

Just look at it -- we're called children of God!

That's who we really are. 1 John 3:1 ( Message)

There is a lovely couple in my church and the husband came to lead worship for the youth camp week and during this time his wife was overseas. They made a decision before her departure that the father would take their oldest (3 year old) boy with him on a week long adventure in Colorado. Through this simple trip the Lord used that father and child to show me some of the most powerful expressions of His love I have ever seen, but they were in the small moments of every day activities and I want to share those moments.

In many moments it was simple everyday things, that are simple, he hugged his son, picked him up, laughed with him, he evidently wanted to be with his son. For his son it was just life, it was simply what he knew as safety, secure, and as life there was no other reality. He was passionate about his son and in many ways his son was passionate about him as his father. When I saw them together the Lord just kept saying this is how i love you, i am passionate about you, i just want to hold you, be with you, and just love you...I your father love you like this.

One moment that stood out to me was such a unique moment and a way simple, but was so powerful for me.
We went to a cave and I was very blessed to get to hang out with his son in the opening of the cave, but to get into and down from that opening you had to climb up and down a log. We played together and laughed while others were climbing around the cave, it was just a fun afternoon, I had no idea that i was about to be spoken to so powerfully by the Lord through this father and son in a cave.
I had to pick the little one up and hand him to his father on the outside of the opening, and as any 3 year old and really person, he got scared of being picked up and set out on a log that for him seemed like it had a mile long drop under him. His dad was standing there in perfect arms and touch length. This did not change the fear in this little child.

He could have just grabbed his son in all the little ones protest, but he choose something very different. He choose to remind his child of his love and of his continual care for him thus far in his 3 years of life and that he had no reason to change that pattern of love and care at this moment or any moment to follow. Thus another kind of moment and story emerged from this common moment in a cave with a 3year old.

He began speaking to his son saying, " son, I have to get you out of the cave, this is the only way, you have to get out of the cave". Then he said something with such depth and power to his son. He said, " son, I am not going to drop you". Simple enough, right, it sounded good and looked good, his father was clearly able to get him safely down from any outsiders perspective. The child on the other hand saw things very differently, his response was obviously... yeah right...you are crazy... you are going to drop me. His father preceded.... He asked, " son, have I ever dropped you? Ever?" and his son answered, "no". His father then followed that answer with..." then why would I begin now? I am not going to drop you. Please let me get you down out of this cave". From that moment his son moved a little closer to him, ( not much but a little) and he then grabbed his son, wrapped his arms around him tight and pulled him down safely. The child was happy and fine and walked on as if that traumatic few moments in his small life had never happened.

This was a moment in which his son could only see the ground even though his father was standing there directly in front of him, touching him and speaking to him. His father saw this and saw something different; his father desired nothing more than to keep his child from being hurt, scared and worried. He also wanted him to be so sure of the strength of him as his father and deep love and concern for even the small moments of coming down from a small cave on a log that seemed so big to his son and yet so small to him as his father. His father rose to the moment and allowed to not just be a moment but allowed the Lord to use him to make it a moment of spoken truth to his child. The truth being... "I love you so much, I haven't failed and I don't plan to begin to do so know, please let me help you and catch you."

I nearly began crying right there in this cave in a mountain in the wilderness of Colorado, because the Lord spoke so loudly to me... this is me with you, I love you that much and even deeper than that even comes close to showing you, I am that father and I am that big and you are my precious child.

There was one other moment....
On our drive home we drove through the night and the father was driving the van full of students and his precious son. At one point in the night his son awoke crying,upset and saying daddy, and his response to him was one that was determined and immediate. He asked the boy in the passanger seat to take the wheel and grabbed his son's fallen blanket and covered him up and touched him and spoke to him saying, "I am here, you are okay, calm down, go back to sleep, I am here, you are okay son."
I was half asleep but it was a powerful display of the Lord's love. According to the Word the love of an earthly father is evil compared to the Love of the Father. This fathers response was passionate, love filled, immediate, and drowning in the need to make things all better for his son. He would have torn the van apart to help calm and bring a sense of safety his child in that moment. If this is how an earthly father responds to his sleeping child in a van being awoken and frightened then how much more does the God of all God's, Commander of legions of angels and the holder of the universe respond when we are distressed, hurt, crying, and frightened.......

This small moment spoke volumes to me, the Lord said to me so clearly at 2am in the middle of Lord only knows, " I run to you when you call, when you cry, I send armies any time you are being threatened, I am your savior, your rescuer, i will always, always, no matter the moment, do everything I can to protect you... My precious child.

I just sat and thought for so long on that small moment.

This father had no idea of his actions and the ways that the Lord used them to speak such truth to many around him and to me. I have always had a difficult time with the Love of the Father, and in one short week a small child and a loving father showed me more than I have ever learned in any other way.

Praise you Jesus for you ways of teaching, you are a great Father, you are my Father and thank you for loving me like this.

Still

2009-06-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

From Prince Caspain
Lucy Pevensie: They're so still. Trumpkin: The trees? What did you expect? Lucy Pevensie: They used to dance.

How often is this a picture of us... of me...? At moments we danced and then at another later date we are so still.

A dear friend and myself were talking the other day and we were discussing the topic of how as we grow we loose elements of feeling that we can take over the world for Jesus.
We sat together and ponder the whys of this dulling epidemic. We asked questions such as... is it just life...Money, Bills, Jobs? Responsibilities as a whole? Being burned by disappointment? We even discussed the possibility of it even being the voice of interpreted disappointment from others, that is expressed as manner of "concern" before we ever begin adventuring out? When, where, and why does that fire get quenched? Is it simply a combination of all of these things or is there some of an even deeper plot that happens that we as believers miss?

We began to talk through the element of the real battle, and how the enemy of all enemies and the liar of all lies uses all of the above things to truly smother that fire and how this is the truth that we miss so often. I have been reading Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti and I am not very far into it, but the opening of it truly is all about the battle that is truly happening all around us in the realm that we cant see and often simply don't take the time to see. There is an opening scene in which demons and angels come flying out of the woods truly in full on violent battle. I feel and believe so much that this is something that happens around us and for us each and everyday and we never see it.

Satan is strategic and so in our zealous points of life to take over the world for our maker we are usually young enough that we have huge degrees of innocence and the walking ailment called, indestructible syndrome, ( which often can be a very helpful syndrome, it can allow you to do things you other wise would have never attempted, but other times leads to moments we title as, " not the wisest choice I ever made") which leads us to often forget or not notice the reality of the battle. The battle is real, so very real, it is as real as it was in the old testament in all the battles that Joshua fought with the Lord going before him and being with him. Joshua's battles were heavy, brutal, tiring, and bordering crazy at most times, but they fought, they fought with all knowledge that the Lord was on their side.

Then, it was a visible scary yelling man with a large sword who truly wanted to kill you just because he could, and now it is an invisible, quite, enemy that comes at us with lies and deception that cut to our core so often, whose goal is still the same... to kill you, steal from you and destroy you at any cost. I believe that this very goal is the goal we see play out in our lives and the lives of young people everywhere that brings about that dimming of fires. We go into the battle and we run and yell and throw up our swords with all and then something trips us, or we are surprised, or we simply find that enemy far more intimidating than we imagined and it burns us and then we begin to believe that we should just take a few steps back, reevaluate, or re look at where we are, and in that moment we give into that enemy.

Now, the battle being won isn't as apparent as it was in Joshua's day. Then, men just died and fell to your right and to your left, but as of now it happens so much in a realm that we cant see everyday, but the main point is that the battle is being won even when we are wounded, the battle is won.

We often let a battle scar begin to eat away at us and be the excuse for not dashing back into battle. When in all light of truth it is only a scar not a wound anymore. We become skidish in voice, relationship, trust, boldness and so many other ways. We who once walked out in the boldness to approach the throne of God now walk with a limp called timidness and we graciously label this limp as responsibility, or being an adult or having to take care of things. While I am a very very firm believer in the element of responsibility, faithfulness, and excellent levels of stewardship these things in our lives tend to become the very leaches that suck all the zealous fire out of us.

Rekindling the Flame

As we continued to talk we were seemingly discouraged in many ways, but then was asked the question, how do we do both, be a responsible adult and the warrior boldly running out into battle? And this question then began to fuel a new discussion. We then began talking about our purposes, visions, and goals in the kingdom.

Which then began to set a spark on the ash of so many burned out fires. Just as in the opening statement of this blog... we were meant to dance, to dance with a might and joy in which the joy and glory of our passionate creator jumped up and out and flew across each of our small universes as brush strokes on the canvas of eternity! We simply discussed how so often we need to be reminded and to remind ourselves of the vision that we once caught from the Lord. We become afraid to even talk about it often in order to not get our hopes up and to protect ourselves from disappointment, but the truth is that we should always get our hopes up. Christ is the Hope of Glory, He is our hope, He is Hope! We should always be bold enough to feel and believe that getting our hopes up about things of His kingdom is worth it and will always produce some kind of fruit in our lives and heart, if nothing more than to strengthen what we believe that He can do.

The fire isn't gone is just needs the breath of life. I learned and was reminded that we need to take time to talk and let ourselves have conversations to be excited with others and ask others to be excited about things that we feel in our spirit about His kingdom and our lives.

I want to dance! I want to dance like did once before! Christ I cry out that your Holy Spirit would be the breathing wind in the flame that is you and that you have placed in me and each person you have put in my life. I cry out with a passion to see my heart be yours. I pray that my hopes, dreams, desires would be yours and that you would move in them I give them to you. Lord you are hope you are fire and you are what makes us dance, I cry out for dancing in you, for you and because of you.

Experience

2009-06-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn. C. S. Lewis

We live our lives from experience to experience... but what is experience? Is it as C.S. Lewis states, a teacher, though brutal, still a teacher.... is it solely a relation tool, a personality builder, a faith shaper, a faith sharpener, just the result of living and being people with abilities, or is it all of these and so much more that in the end truly explains each of us? Also in this element of experience there are the ones we cherish deeply and the ones we seem only find the way to cherish them happens long down the road after many other experiences which must follow to put that one/s in perspective. In light of experience how do we determine which are worth labeling as experience or just something that happened? When do they receive that honored title? Do we get to choose? Or in the end is experience just a powerful supernatural means in which God digs down deep into our lives and moves?

For me...

I don't really know how to process experience sometimes, there are days in which I love the idea of going about in it allowing it to shape and sketch out so much in my life. Then, there are the other days, where sometimes the desire is that everything would simply work to work and for no deeper reason than that. Some I wish to not have the need for them to be "remembered"experiences, whether those rememberings are for the better or worse, doesnt change the fact that some I don't want in that category of my life. Some of the not so better ones, I simply want as happenings that don't really need to walk with the identity of experience. I find however that it is simply becuase it would make me feel better about it happening all together which shows to be rather shallow at moments. The reasons for this is the underline knowledge that experience becomes so much of who you are, and I want to have control over who I am most days and some of those experiences I tend to not like who it may say I am.

But the truth is that our moments and happenings do... they fall in the identity of experience and with that we then choose responses, and response as well, being for the better or worse, also shape us nearly as much as the experience it's self.

Response is the teacher side of experience, response will teach us far more than the experience. Experience, she tends to be something that often just comes but response is a neighborhood with interesting uncommon street signs, that don't tend to always show up on mapquest with God, we have to choose to turn down them and see where they lead.

I am each day working and walking through learning my directions to try and help me know which streets in that neighborhood to turn down and each day I make wrong turns, but as C.S. Lewis put it man, am I learning, My God above am I learning, and as much as I may not always like the experience I have to believe by God and in God that it, has to, and must be, worth it to keep walking with her and allowing myself to sit in her class, even for that better or worse, to sit and listen and watch.

My Jesus I pray that even though there are elements in which I want to run from that teacher, from you, that you would walk me into places of learning through experience and response, and I pray that my responses would be only yours, for you are the great teacher and in you do we find the most treasured learned lessons. I am scared of roads I don't know, and in many ways I hate that there is no mapquest when it comes to you, but keep me going, please God keep me going.

I know, you have to be, that you are worth it.

Newbie

2009-06-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I am a total newbie to this blogging world but i think that i am intrigued and this will be a fun journey for me to being taking in the process of my life.

Unsure what to make this exactly but I think and feel that it will be a lot like life, that it will change, shift, grow, groan, rejoice and develop as the days and time goes along, let the writing journey begin.